Making Peace With a Former Self Who Didn’t Always Move Gently
Growth is not only light, insight, and relief.
Sometimes, growth brings memory.
Memory of who you were when you were:
More driven than present
More competitive than connected
More focused on winning than on impact
Willing to bend rules or push past others because that’s how success seemed to work
You may look back and think:
“I hurt people.”
“I justified things I wouldn’t justify now.”
“I was rewarded for traits that weren’t always kind.”
That realization can be deeply uncomfortable.
But it is not a sign that you are failing at becoming more conscious.
It is a sign that your awareness has expanded enough to see what you couldn’t see before.
The Former You Was Built for a Different Environment
The person you used to be did not arise from nowhere.
They were shaped by:
Systems that reward performance over presence
Cultures that praise ambition but ignore impact
Environments where softness felt unsafe
Fear of being left behind, overlooked, or powerless
That version of you learned to survive — and even succeed — within those rules.
That doesn’t erase the harm that may have happened.
But it explains context.
You were operating with the awareness, emotional capacity, and nervous system wiring you had at the time.
Growth doesn’t happen by pretending that person never existed.
It happens by integrating them without letting them run your life anymore.
The Pain of Seeing Clearly
As you become more self-aware, you may feel waves of:
Regret
Embarrassment
Sadness
Guilt
You might remember specific moments — things you said, ways you acted, people you overlooked or hurt.
This pain is not punishment.
It is empathy catching up.
Your present self can feel what your past self could not fully perceive.
That is not hypocrisy.
That is development.
The Pull Toward Defensiveness
When we face past harm, the ego often tries to protect us with explanations:
“I didn’t mean it.”
“Everyone else was doing it.”
“That’s just how things worked.”
These statements may contain truth.
But when they’re used to avoid feeling, they keep you stuck in the old pattern.
A more honest response sounds like:
“I didn’t fully understand the impact then.”
“I see more now.”
“I wish I had known better.”
That shift — from justification to acknowledgment — is where real maturity begins.
Forgiving Your Former Self Is a Doorway
Self-forgiveness here does not mean excusing harm.
It means saying:
“I was less aware then. I am more aware now. I choose differently going forward.”
Without self-forgiveness, you either:
Harden into denial
or
Collapse into shame
Both keep you stuck in the past.
With self-forgiveness, you soften enough to grow.
You stop needing to defend who you were, and you stop needing to punish yourself for it.
You accept that you are a human being who has changed.
What Do You Do With the Past?
Growth doesn’t require dramatic public confessions or endless self-reproach.
It asks for three grounded things:
1. Honest acknowledgment
Privately, clearly, without excuses:
“Yes, I benefited from systems and behaviors that may have hurt others.”
Naming reality is powerful.
2. Repair where appropriate
Not every situation can be revisited. Not every person wants contact.
But when there is a genuine, respectful opportunity to acknowledge harm — without reopening wounds or demanding forgiveness — simple honesty can be healing.
Not to erase guilt, but to honor truth.
3. Let changed behavior be your apology
Living differently now matters more than reliving the past forever.
Being more ethical
More relational
More aware of power
More careful with your impact
is the clearest sign that growth has taken root.
How This Shapes Your Future Relationships
When you’ve faced your former self honestly, something softens in you.
You become:
Less self-righteous
More aware of your blind spots
Less likely to judge others harshly
More attuned to power dynamics
More careful with influence
You stop needing to be “the good one.”
Instead, you become someone who knows:
“I am capable of harm. I am also capable of growth.”
That humility is the foundation of safer, more conscious relationships.
You Are Not Meant to Be Who You Were Forever
The person you once were helped you survive a different chapter of your life.
They don’t need to be erased or condemned.
They need to be understood, thanked for getting you this far, and gently retired from leading your choices.
You don’t grow by pretending the past didn’t happen.
You grow by letting the past make you more compassionate, more careful, and more real.
And perhaps the most freeing truth in this stage is this:
You are not required to carry shame forever to prove that you have changed.
You are allowed to carry awareness instead.
Gentle Crosslink
If you’re also navigating the tension between old identity and emerging self, you may resonate with When the Old You Won’t Let Go, and the New You Isn’t Fully Here Yet, which explores how to work with the ego while a more authentic self slowly takes shape.
About the author
Gerry explores themes of change, emotional awareness, and inner coherence through reflective writing. His work is shaped by lived experience during times of transition and is offered as an invitation to pause, notice, and reflect.
If you’re curious about the broader personal and spiritual context behind these reflections, you can read a longer note here.
Life.Understood. 
What stirred your remembrance? Share your reflection below—we’re weaving the New Earth together, one soul voice at a time.